Happy Holidays
by britishtwat
Summary: The ARC team go to Haven Holidays for a break. Only what they didn't know was that to get it free Lester voluntered them as Funstars for the week. Hell ensues.
1. Thats what you get when you rent statics

_It was a very hot day, and it didn't help that they were travelling in a car. Lester sat in the driving seat, crawling along the road whilst Danny rolled his eyes at his bosses bad driving. Desipite there being not enough seats to hold the ARC team, Lester had made Abby,Connor,Becker and Sarah squeeze into the back:which was made for four people. Abby was pressed against Connor, head on his shoulder asleep. Connor had lowered his head, his dark mop in striking contrast to her striking blonde and also fallen asleep. Becker was dressed in jeans which had caused a few looks at his new outfit, they were definatly not used to seeing him in. Sarah had attempted to give him as much space as the demon car allowed, before finally just giving up and resting her head on his shoulder too. All of this friendship made Danny feel like an old man again._

_Lester turned sharply left knocking everyone in the back into each other, jarring Abby into Connor shocking them both awake and grumbling irritably in Lester's general direction. _

_"Almost there" Lester said sharply as they all looked out the windows just in time to see a HAVEN HOLIDAYS sign. Everyone exhaled._

_"Wait." said Danny a thought striking him "How did you get this holiday for free?"_

_Lester said nothing, but he did press the button and locked all the doors. Everyone looked nervously around._

_Lester cleared his throat "I volunteered you as Funstars for the week"_

_And thats when the screams began._

________________________________________________________________________________

_"Will you all shut up? You'd have thought id asked you to feed your foot through a shredder, its just entertaining some kids"_

_Becker sat near sobbing as Sarah held him, Connor and Abby were inconsolable. Danny just sat there glaring. If Nick had been here he would have punched Lester._

_They sat in reception as Lester collected their keys, the reception staff gave him some funny looks. _

_"Oh don't mind them, they just got some great news"_

_"Abby, Connor" Lester whistled at them like they were animals and they trudged towards the desk._

_"Here are your keys" he said giving them to Connor, who narrowed his eyes._

_"Were staying together?"_

_"You did share a flat, before you abolished mine correct? Won't be much different...unless you want to stay with me or Becker"_

_"No no im fine" Connor rushed out desperatly pulling Abby behind him before Lester could suggest something worse like possibly ordering a snake to eat his fingers. _

_They left to go find out where they were staying, and Danny really hoped to God that he wasnt sharing with Lester._

_"Sarah, Becker" He never really got round to learning Becker's first name and didn't intent to. Apparently it was Alex or something so Alex would have to do. _

_Becker just took the keys, staring silently at Sarah with his eyebrows raised. She just exhaled and shook her head as they also followed Abby and Connor._

_That mean't it was just Danny and Lester. Crap. _

*At Abby and Connor's *Caravan*

They opened the door, Abby with a look of disgust at the caravan, Connor just looked at the rickety veranda. He took one step on the old wood...

And fell through.

Abby grabbed him so that he would fall completly and hauled him back up through the Connor shaped gap.

"Careful!" she scolded him, just relived that he was okay. She put her arms around him in a breif gesture of comfort, then stepped inside the run-down caravan, dumping her bags on the floor.

Connor followed behind and groaned almost immediatly. It was worse than he ever imagined, and worse...

No internet.

He took Abby's hand and she squeezed it gently before pulling him round so she could see the kitchen-which Connor would be banned from-and was confrounted with a microwave, a stove, a kettle not much else. She felt like crying and she hadn't seen their one bedroom yet.

*At Sarah and Becker's *Caravan*

By the sounds of outrage coming from 2 Caravans down, Connor and Abby were not having the best camping experiance. Becker had ben taught that nothing could be inadequate if it could shelter you. But somehow he severly disagreed by the look of this ramshackle bird house, bearly big enough for Himself nevermind him and Sarah.

There was one bed, which was not ideal. But he figured that he would live.

"You better not be te type of person who steals the covers" he said eyebrows raised.

"You better not be the sort who sleeps with no clothes on" she countered with a wicked smile.

His eyebrows nearly hit his hairline.

"I wonder how Lester and Danny are getting on?"


	2. If its got your name on it its yours

**Happy Holidays Part 2**

**If its got your name on it, it's an automatic right.**

"No…NOO! I DON'T WANT TO"

Connor screamed as Abby tried to pull him from the caravan's door frame. His fingers were firmly prised onto the door. Abby realized it was going to take more than her to get him off. Lester wanted a meeting with them and she had spoken for the both of them. Probably too soon taking Connor's reaction. She noticed Sarah and Becker coming down the path. See, why couldn't Connor behave like a perfectly normal human being.

"Becker…a little help mate?"

Becker jogged over and started to pull Connor's fingers off the dilapidated door frame and Abby hauled on his legs. He let go and promptly for the second time fell through the veranda. Unluckily nobody caught him and he fell all the way to the bottom with a thump. Three fasces looked at him in concern.

"You OK?" Abby asked stifling a laugh.

"Never better" Came Connor's muffled reply.

******************************************************************************

Lester looked at his expensive watch. Danny noticed that it was bloody hideous. Just like the suit he was also wearing, that he had probably bought from Help The Aged.

"Quinn, go get me a drink"

Danny walked over to the drinks counter muttering about the Slave Trade and how he really should get paid for this. The person at the drinks counter was also sick, twisted in appearance. They were all like that here, black holes for hearts. He wouldn't trust any of them with a potted plant.

He walked back to Lester with exaggerated slowness, as if to deprive him of nutrients for a while longer.

"Here you go ssssssssir" he screwed up his face as he said the last word. Lester didn't notice, he was too busy having his head inflated.

Lester gave him the cup back to Danny " Thanks" Danny said adding _'twat'_ in his head

'Where is Abby and Connor?" he asked in a bored voice. He looked about to see Sarah owning Becker on the dance machine. A crowd of small children were throwing eggs at him.

******************************************************************************

*In the shop*

"A.b.b.y…" Connor whined.

"What" sighed Abby as she put down the wretched crocodile puppet and returned to where Connor was forlornly staring at a chocolate bar…in the hands of another small child.

"A.b.b.y..it has my name on it"

"Get another"

"Last one" he whined again and pouted at Abby. She sighed and turned round.

"Excuse me, my friend really wants that bar of chocolate and it's the last one.."

"Tough" said the 10 year old child "He should change his name to something else"

"I asked nicely" Abby hissed between her teeth.

"And I said NO" the child hissed back.

Abby crouched down at the child's level and grabbed his t-shirt.

"Listen here you little shit, you either give me that bar of chocolate or you'll be feeding through a tube having wheelchair races with the retards in the cancer ward"

The boys eyes grew wide and Connor took the chocolate. He smiled.

"MUUUUUUUUUUM" screamed the child.

Connor and Abby looked at each other "RUN"

And they had run, not looking back until they reached the complex.

****************************************************************************

James Lester hauled Abby and Connor through the doors and sat them down. But as soon as he turned his back they were at the bar. Becker had tomatoes all over him and Danny found it funny that he squelched as he sat down. Lester hauled Abby and Connor back to the seats.

"What took you so long, dare I ask?"

"Abby threatened to hospitalize some 10 year old cos he stole my chocolate bar"

Becker choked on his drink, spraying it all over Lester. Danny was starting to get an irresistible urge to punch Lester. Hard. Not too much to kill him, just to make him think twice about what goes into Danny's pay packet at the end of the month.

An unsightly woman with dark greasy hair and a limp on her left side shuffled up. She smiled with crooked teeth and Danny swore he heard a hiss of air every time she breathed. Like someone snoring, but with a hissing noise. It was unsightly and at times like this he believed why people wanted a cull on the ugly.

"People" announced Lester "This is Lurlean Snaggle-Smither"

Danny put his head in his hands. This place was like hell.


	3. Bringing it down

Happy Holidays Part 3

If your going to act a fool, go the whole way

Lurlean Snaggle-Smither had droned on in a hissing way for about an hour. Telling them that they had complete use of the pool complex etc etc. And then she had dropped the bombshell.

"- and I trussst you'll have fun working to tonight"

They had stared in abstract horror. No. No. No. No.

She had given them an unsightly uniform, consisting of some blue trousers and a yellow top. Jesus how Becker had laughed when Danny had tried them on. He had received a sharp punch to his ribs.

He was surprised to find that Connor, Abby and Sarah looked surprisingly fine in the garish costumes. Becker and him….not so much.

They had traipsed to the stage in silence. But Abby and Connor at this point had had about a bottle of Vodka between them, and from the look in their eyes, tonight would be fun.

Abby and Connor exploded on stage to the Tiger Club song.

Were looking for tigers, were looking for cheetahs

Were running from rhino and big alligator's

From giant gorilla's to little bear cubs

Were having fun in the tiger club

Becker's eyebrows were raised as the slightly drunk funstars got a huge round of applause from the hideously disgusting children. They weren't even that bad singers. It was the fact that tonight they were having a children's talent contest. And they were queuing by the stage, the place empty apart from the kids lining up.

Danny, Becker and Sarah took their places in the table by the stage. Abby and Connor stayed on stage helping the children with their performances.

The first child tottered onstage. She looked suspiciously like Hissing Lady from earlier.

"Hello" said Sarah in a sweet voice "Whats your name"

"Jiminy Snaggle-Smither" she said. What? Danny nearly exploded Jiminy? She's a girl? And yes she was indeed Lurlean's sickly daughter.

"Okay sweetheart" said Becker, his eye twitching "Im sure you'll be great"

Abby started giggling and Danny noticed she had a bottle of something behind her back. Connor sniggered

"I wouldn't bet on it" she laughed and Connor hit her on the arm, but laughed himself.

The child, was horrid. Her voice caused the other children to stampede out of the auditorium and for Abby to crawl under a table with Connor and take a firm swig of the bottle.

The glasses shattered and her voice- if it was possible-got worse. Becker had his hands clamped firmly over his ears. Sarah stood up.

"OKAY OKAY" she shouted above the racket. She stopped.

"That was lovel-

"THAT WAS SO TERRIBLE I THINK YOU GAVE ME CANCER" Becker screamed

There were cries of 'HERE HERE' from under the table and the sound of someone taking another swig out of the bottle.

Lester sauntered in, with a napkin tucked into his suit.

"What was that God-awful noise that interrupted my lobster-dinner- and Danny please take the day off and have a grand"

Danny turned and saw a flying pig whiz past Lester's arm. Oh no it seemed he appeared to have imagined the last part. No day off, no grand. Just bad kids.

"Where are Abby and Connor?" he asked. Everyone looked around, they weren't under the table anymore.

Sarah shrugged and walked round to the back of the stage with Lester.

They wrenched open the cupboard door and Abby and Connor were caught red-handed. They pulled apart and looked at Lester. Then Abby looked at Connor and they burst out laughing.

"Out, now" Lester sighed

They didn't even say sorry as they emerged back through tom the other side. Abby pulled her t-shirt down and Connor smoothed his hair. Becker just raised his eyebrows as they slumped into one chair, Abby sat on his lap.

Lurlean appeared.

"What iss going on here?" she asked staring at everyone and her daughter.

"There iss to be no employee fraternisation" she hissed at Abby and Connor drawing a fly swatter from her pocket and smashing it next to Abby's head.

"Will you off that annoying man up pleassse"

Abby was behind her then. "What did you call Connor?" she asked eyes blazing.

Oh no Becker thought, drawing back to protect himself as Abby squared up to Lurlean.

"I said he wasss annoying" she hissed, not the least bit intimidated

And Abby punched her.

To be fair Danny and Sarah were egging them on, and after Abby had knocked all of Lurlean's teeth out. She had returned to Connor, put her arms round him and with a final glare at Lurlean she and him had stalked out- to get more booze

Jiminy had just laughed at the fact her mum was being owned.

Lester had shouted and screamed at Abby to stop, and then had sheltered with Becker and Sarah under the table.

"My best pressed suit!" he had shouted

"Sod your suit, its fucking hideous anyhow" Danny had shouted from the other side of the room.

All the kids had come in and started chanting "fight" over and over and had cheered when their new beloved funstar had beaten up their old boring one over the fact she had called her boyfriend annoying. Wow Abby was a mean drunk. Connor had done nothing to stop them- in fact he had been leading the children In the chant and had shouted things like-

"GO ABBY! BEAT HER GOOD" or "BEAT THAT UGLY COW"

They all started back towards the bar, Lurlean still unconscious on the floor.

Abby and Connor weren't at the bar, so they looked outside and found them playing with a beach ball in the basketball court near someone's house. Becker kicked it and Sarah plucked it out of the air with a firm swipe. Lester stood unamused until it hit him in the face and knocked him into the fence. He had thought about showing them what he could do, and kicked it…over the fence and into the garden.

An elderly man poked his head round the door of the house.

"Hey mate" Becker called "Can we have our ball back?"

The elderly man grumbled and mumbled limping and shifting over to the ball, looked at it and popped it with a pin.

"Oi!" Shouted Connor "Coffin Dodger- that was out ball"

He grumbled and threw rocks at them until finally Sarah picked up a garden gnome an smashed it over his head with a terrific shot. He fell to the floor with a satisfying thud.

Sarah looked at Danny "I think I killed him"

Connor laughed and took her hand "His death was overdue anyway"

"We can buy another' Lester said

"I um" Connor started "Don't think me and Abby are welcome at the shop"

"Oh look at this" Sarah called from near a lampost "Speed-dating tomorrow at 3"

"Sounds like good fun" called Becker.

Lester looked at his watch. The hideous one that Danny had catalogued earlier.

"Kids, its way past your bed-time"

Abby kissed Connor "Fine by me"

Connor looked at his own watch "What its only…hang on wait, is your numbers meant to swim like that?"

****************************************************************************

"Alan! Alan! Alan! Alan! Alan! Alan! Alan! Alan! Alan! Alan!" the gopher on TV shouted

Abby and Connor lay in bed, they had hauled the TV to the other side of the caravan just to watch it. Connor's phone buzzed and he fished it out of his pocket.

"S'up mate"

"Where are you?" Becker asked

"In bed"

"Up at 8am tomorrow"

"yeah"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" screamed Sarah from the other end of the phone.

"What the-

"There was crackling in the background and then Becker appeared on the phone again

"Sorry mate, Sarah got stuck in the shower, try adverting your eyes and helping someone naked out the shower"

"Do it all the time" Abby had snatched the phone from Connor "Although sometimes I look-

"ABBY!" protested Connor "Stop that!"

"Goodnight Becker, have a good time with Sarah- remember, you've seen her naked"

And she clicked off the phone and threw it on the floor.

"Now turn that TV off Connor before I shoot it off"


End file.
